Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just googled if crying burns calories
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Randomize
