got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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