remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
