Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
