Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
