when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
