This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
