Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
oh god was she eating orange peels again
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
