Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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