Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
