Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
