too bad you live with your parents still
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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