dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
