It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
