Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
