ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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