Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
