I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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