my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
