Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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