I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
