I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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