Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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