Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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