I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
