Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
