I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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