she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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