I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I had to cum in my sink.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
