i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
