sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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