Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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