You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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