Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
