i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I wanna passion pit in your ass
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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