I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
