I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
It's never too late to be topless.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
