I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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