so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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