When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
