If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
