I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Randomize
