oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
How does one acquire holy water?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
