And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
