I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
