My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
