I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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