Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
