I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
