You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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