she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
