i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
3pm strippers are depressing
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
