She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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