I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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