I CAN MOONWALK!
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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