i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
