Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
