My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
