The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
