Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
