I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
