Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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