I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
