I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
im holly from the hills drunk
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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