I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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