From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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