Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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