sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
