I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
