6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
